Well, I was told today that it's been far too long since I blogged last. I kind of wanted to keep this blog light hearted and upbeat, and honestly, there's not been much lightheartedness going on around here lately.

My mom's had more setbacks, and spent the weekend in the hospital, where they determined that she had pneumonia, which was caused by aspirating liquids into her lungs when she drinks. In other words, she's starting to hold liquids in her mouth too long, and some trickles down the back of her throat, and she inhales it into her lungs. So now she's on thickened liquids. Don't know if you've ever encountered thickened water, milk or coffee, but I'm here to tell you, it's not the most pleasant of sensations. But she really seemed to like the thickened diet sprite. It was kind of cool to watch the bubbles get suspended in the thickener, and work their way to the top, and then go "Bloop!" And it didn't taste so bad, but still, "drinking" water or anything that is the consistency of runny, not quite set up pudding is kind of icky.

She was turned down to go back to the assisted living facility that we moved them both to back in January, because they said that they didn't think they could keep her safe enough there. I'm not convinced that THAT is the reason they didn't want her back, but I've decided that it is what it is, and now I need to just move on from here. She's been admitted to an area nursing home, after 2 days' wait in the hospital. Not sure what the problem was, but they said they were all full, or at least that there were no beds for her.

I've been very impressed, so far with the staff and almost everything about this place. SHe's now been a resident of all 3 of the nursing homes in the city, and surrounding villages, and this one is by far the best of the 3, from my first impression. We'll see if I remain as impressed as time goes by here, but so far so good. And the thing that's the real kicker is that Mom has not once said, "Well, let's get our stuff and go home". That was her steady "mantra" while at the hospital back in Feb., at the nursing home while she had rehab, and then back at the assisted living with my Dad. None of that was home for her, I guess. I'm bummed that the first place she's felt like staying in 4 months is a nursing home, but what the hell. If she's happy and content, that's all I can ask for, right? As messed up as her mind is these days, happy and content at a nursing home is FAR better than pissed off at the world, somewhere else.

The staff here doesn't look all angry and burned out, either. The one CNA that was working tonight when I was there visiting, said she'd been there since 8 this morning, and it was after 8 tonight, and she was still smiling, and good natured, and friendly and caring. The last home she was in, even minutes after they came on shift, the aides all looked pissed off at the world. There was one nurse that worked there that showed true caring and concern, and I made sure that the head of nursing knew about her. The rest of them, they were just there to get a check.

Mom would say, "well, this place is...." and that's about as far as any thought goes these days. She starts out good, then about 4 words in, the thought just kind of fades away. So I said, "This place is nice?" and she said, with clarity in her eyes, "Well, I'd say YES!" SO that makes it easier for me to sleep at night. I can't tell you how heavy my heart was, and has been for the last few days, knowing that I was going to have to put her in a nursing home, most likely for the rest of her days. Unless a miracle happens, and she comes out of her "fog" again, but we had that miracle once, back in '04, I can't even begin to think that God would bless us with another turn at clarity. Besides, the decline back to this phase is just so incredibly heart wrenching to watch.

For anyone in their teens or 20's who may be still reading at this point, I really want to say something to you. You know how at times, these days, you look at your parents and think, "They are just SO stupid! I wish they'd just keep their opinions to themselves!" Well, I was that way too. And looking back on it now, I sincerely wish that I could turn back the clock, and NOT feel that way, so that I'd be able to ask her all those things that I still need to know. Things like her BBQ sauce recipe. Things like, how to fix a tear in the seat of a pair of blue jeans, so that it won't rip again in the same exact spot. Things like, how do you keep from stringing your 4 year old up by his toenails when he's just poked the screen out of the window and let the dog, and one of the cats outside, where they both ran off, and you can't find them? Nearly every day, something comes to mind, and I think, "I need to call Mom and ask... " and then I get incredibly sad, because she doesn't even remember that I'm her daughter anymore. She thinks I'm her sister. (In her defense, I DO look a bit like her sister did when she was younger, but still) The other day, she couldn't think of my Dad's name. She said, "Why would I even know that" when the nurse at the hospital asked her what his name was. She wasn't even sure she was married to him. When the nurse said, "That's your husband!" She looked at me like she thought the nurse was completely off her rocker.

So when you're thinking your Mom is just kind of stupid, stop and realize that you may not have her around for long, and some day, all that information she's gathered about the world will be stuff YOU'd like to know, and if you don't pay attention now, you may never get the chance to find it all out.

Some days, it truly would be easier for me if she'd just pass away. It's so hard looking at her, and yet, when she looks back, it's not "HER". It's a shell. She LOOKS like my Mom. She SOUNDS like my Mom, but this person doesn't have any of the wit, intelligence, candor, or sense of humor that my Mom has. It's like someone went to the trouble of making a replica, but didn't give it any of the necessary background information to pull off the switch. Every day, I have to accept the fact that I've lost my Mother, but yet, I have to go see her, and make sure she's being well cared for, and is as content as she can be. It sucks. And it stinks that I feel this way, which is in DIRECT conflict of what I'm taught, and that I truly believe, based on my faith. Life is prescious, and needs to be preserved. And yet, I look at my Mother, and when I say my daily prayers, I pray that God will take her home to heaven quickly. Either that, or that He will make her mind so that she does not realize where she is, and that she can find peace in her daily existence. Make it so that no matter how little of her family she remembers, that she can be content. That's all I want. Peace for her. The last few months have been anything BUT peaceful for her. She's been angry, upset, and scared for so long. Maybe God has answered my prayers already, and I'm just not seeing it. I hope so.